Pope backs surge of exorcism squads 'to fight the Devil head on'David Edwards and Muriel Kane
Published: Tuesday February 5, 2008
The Vatican has never given up belief in the reality of demonic possession, but the practice of actual exorcisms has waned over the last few centuries. Now, however, the Vatican's chief exorcist has revealed that Pope Benedict XVI takes the problem very seriously and is "setting up exorcism squads to deal with the rampant growth of Satanism."Father Gabriele Amorth is both the senior exorcist of the diocese of Rome and the founder of the International Association of Exorcists. He has condemned the Harry Potter novels as containing "the signature of the Prince of Darkness" and recently warned that diabolical influences can reach even into the Vatican.
Amorth told IBN that "the action of the Devil is a lot more widespread than in the past, not because he has more strength, but because he is given more space." He went on to complain that these days "priests and bishops know nothing about the subject. ... They believe in the Devil, but they don't believe much in the actions of the Devil, so they prefer to send everyone to psychiatrists."
Pope Benedict, who "is said to be a firm believer in the existence of evil," has called for hundreds of priests to be trained as exorcists and made available to every Bishop. "Thank God there is a pope who wants to fight the devil head on," Amorth told IBN.
Personally, I believe in demonic possession, and that it is indeed widespread. How else to account for all of the evil we see in the world today? I believe that the Pope is on the right track here, but is naive if he thinks that mere squads will suffice when it is obvious that at least two armies are needed for an overwhelming "shock and awe"campaign.
If those possessed can be identified their evil acts, then it is clear to me that massive well- organized armies must be quickly mobilized and equipped, and must carry out coordinated attacks to drive the demons out of their unwitting victims all at once, or else the demons are likely to find other vulnerable hosts to take over without even having to leave the room.. The devil and his minions will not be easily dismissed.
There are areas in our country where demonic activity is concentrated. These "nests of evil" must be attacked and cleared out simultaneously, and then the armies can be split into squads or platoons to fan out and clear the smaller nests which abound.
The two main infestations are large enough to pose logistical issues, and may well require small water purification plants to ensure a sufficient supply of holy water, and tank sprayers for the exorcists to use both offensively in group situations and as a defensive weapon against the inevitable vicious counter-attacks.
Once every branch of government has been "dis-possessed"(starting with the Executive), and the financial centers in New York brought back into the light, the squads can go to work on the World Bank, the International Monetary Fund, and fan out to corporate boardrooms across the country, stopping at several conservative "Christian" churches and organizations on the way.
You can see that this is a massive undertaking, and the Vatican will surely need all the help it can get. Finally, we progressives are presented with a golden opportunity to quit bitching and actually do something to set our country aright.
I'm sure that the Pope will appreciate your help, so get ready--you'll need a heavy-duty crucifix, a dependable tank sprayer, holy oil (Valvoline will do in a pinch), and either this or this prayer--and join the fight!
Godspeed!
9 comments:
Oh! me, Oh! my. How can you take this serious matter and make light of it? How dare you. Any clear thinking, Ghost Hunter watching acolyte will tell you that the demons need dispelled and the goodness of humanity will once again shine brightly.
"Valvoline will do in a pinch". You sir could not be more wrong. It is common knowledge amongst the catholic enviromentalists that a premium synthetic like Mobil 1 is much better at driving out the malicious spirits that cause such havoc in our society.
Get your facts straight before attempting to undermine such an important topic. You must be possessed by the very beings we are trying to eradicate.
I recommend you take that economic stimulus check you receive and purchase two things. A quality sprayer from WalMart and a 55 gallon drum of synthetic oil. Stand in the tub and baptize yourself.
Don't worry, the sythetic stuff doesn't harm fish or wildlife.
Anonymous--Your thoughtful criticism has prompted me to further my researches, and I have found that while Mobil 1 is better than Valvoline, there is another product which is even better. It is simple, safe, and highly recommended, as it simplifies the exorcism rites considerably.
The long,cumbersome prayer which must be precisely recited is the most dangerous procedural requirement for the exorcist using the standard ritual. It's during this lengthy recitation the the exorcist is most vulnerable to counter-attck.
The simple product I've discovered was widely used in the past, but has given way to "progress". It not only works, but reduces the prayer to only one sentence!
I am referring to rendered pig fat, available at most grocers.(for the health of the anointee, use only the "un-hydrogenated" kind)
This product, by it's very nature, allows for the "shortening" of the rites.The exorcist must simply anoint the person and say forcefully "BEGONE, IN THE NAME OF THE LARD!,and the demon is essentially "fried" at that point.
Include lard in your arsenal!
Remember too--part of your preparation must include personal purification. Avoid deviled eggs and deviled ham for 2 weeks before starting any exorcise program.
The use of Lard has largely been banned in western cultures because the economic impact it has on our poorer society in the way of Hearth Disease and Heart Attacks.
There has been a resurrection of sorts in the use of Lard for the eviction of spirits. The pfizer group has lobbied heavily for it. The feel that it not only simplifies the procedure, They are prepared to provide the remedy for the increased cholesterol that results from it. (for a small tithe, of course)
It is difficult to differentiate the good from the bad in this endeavor. Exxon is realizing that the synthetic oil is the wave of the future and is prepared to assist in the expulsion of spirits. Pfizer is pushing for the tried and true remedy. The have the antidote in case something goes awry.
Which power do we subvert to? They are both well respected and all powerful. I cannot make such an important decision on my own. My next move will be to consult with my mentor Mr. Limbaugh and get his take on situation. After all,"he is on loan from God".
Dear anonymous,It is a serious error to accept for purposes of exorcism anything supplied by three prime targets of the Vatican's initiative.Any product from Pfizer or Exxon, or advice from Limbaugh will certainly work to the advantage of the demons.Consider the sources and their methods and motivations! Limbaugh is not "on loan" from God as he would have you believe, he was cast out by God! Exxon oils, no matter how refined, have a problem with foaming, which is not a good thing during an exorcism. Even Quaker State, which is religious by name association, has the same problem. Pfizer may be the worst of the bunch. Discreet inquiries have revealed that they pay a Muslim sect in Japan to supply their lard, despite the Muslim prohibitions against pork. This fundamentalist sect has strayed so far from the teachings of the Koran that they gleefully boil pigs fitted with burqas to make the lard for Pfizer. These "hotheads" are the violent sect known as "Wasabiists", and their morally tainted lard simply cannot be used.
All this is deadly serious, for mistakes can be made with dire consequence, and have been. Did you know that the Church actually canonized a demon-possessed man in the 14th century? St. Charlatan has since become the Patron Saint of used-car salesmen and mortgage lenders.
To this point, our discussion has centered around "classic" demonic possession--the head-spinning, pea soup spewing, violent kind (of Limbaugh, for example), but delving into arcane metaphysical texts has shown that there are many different kinds of possession, some more serious than others, that present in different ways.I will describe a few for your edification:
Bionic--scary-those afflicted do amazing feets with their hands.
Ebonic--the most "pronounced" effect is an inflammation of the vowels.
Mnemonic--Darn it, I can't remember the details on this one.
Laconic--those possessed in this way will rarely speak of it.
Gnomonic--characterized by a compulsion to buy garden sculptures.
Ironic--drawn to magnets and tend to face north.
Onionic--displays as bad breath.
Moronic-- by far the most common, but easily fixed by a low level exorcist known as a "divorce lawyer".
I hope that this enhances your understanding.
John, I hate to be nit-picky, but as a biblical scholar (and I am using the word ‘scholar’ here as our current administration defines it, meaning I’ve seen the bible, therefore I know the bible) I must quibble a skosh about your use (and definition) of the abbreviated exorcism. The version “Begone in the name of the Lard” is actually not an ‘authentic’ Catholic rite, but was first devised by the Lutherans while they were in the process of ‘tweaking’ the theology. While this version was particularly effective in certain types of ‘possession’ (such as the possession of anything by Muslims & Jews), it was found to be lacking in most other types. At this point, Protestants also jumped on the exorcism bandwagon having identified what they believed the most insidious type of possession - Platonic - deceptively friendly, but lacking the spark of true demonic possession.
It was perhaps to be expected then that as the original Catholic Christian faith further splintered into various factions, other forms of possession (and also exorcism rites) were identified, particularly during the ‘Christian Renaissance’ or resurgence of the 20th Century. Here are a few of the other lesser known types of possession:
Be-Gone-ic - This type is particularly difficult to identify as it is generally displayed by many of the same individuals who claim to be performing exorcisms.
Sophomoric - commonly held to be a form of possession, but further research has determined it to be a genetic abnormality which is sometimes just outgrown without intervention.
Stereophonic - Easily identified by both volume and tonal quality of the victim’s verbalizations.
Yannic - Almost the polar opposite of the stereophonic, victims appear to be hypnotized and listening to their own internal music.
Some of the abbreviated exorcism rites developed during this period include:
“Begone in the name of the Ford” (which, by the way MUST be performed using a high grade petroleum based oil) was originally designed primarily for Jewish possession.
“Begone in the name of the Gourd” is only known to those followers of the “Life of Brian” movie by Monty Python. It is equally ineffective for all types of possession.
“Begone in the name of the Bored” is frankly never used as no one seems to care.
“Begone in the name of the Hoard” and “Begone in the name of the Board” are both used extensively today within many large corporations. Their primary targets are lawyers and government regulations and they have proven to be extremely effective.
As you can see, the history of demonic possession and exorcism is much more varied and nuanced than previously known. I am grateful that you introduced this critical subject in our time of need.
To the various anonymi who have commented here--This is a disaster for the Vatican!
From Rooters News Service (2/22/08)
Attack on Stock Exchange Fails
The New York Stock Exchange was attacked shortly after yesterdays opening bell by elements of the Vatican's recently formed "Ratzi's Rangers", an army of fighting exorcists.
Trading was disrupted for nearly an hour when the attackers, wearing camouflage vestments, burst in and swarmed the trading floor.
"We were scared", NYSE executive J.K. Voldemort admitted,"But we called on our inner strength and fought like demons.Even so, we might have lost if not for the fact that their weapons failed to work. Their plastic crucifixes melted, the oil they had foamed immediately, and the tank sprayers they carried didn't work at all."
First reports indicate that the crucifixes were made in China and came from the St. Peters WalMart. The oil was traced to an Exxon subsidiary, and the sprayers were purchased on a no-bid contract from a major supplier to the U.S. military.
When their equipment failed, the exorcists fought their way back out to Wall St, only to find their vehicles being towed by the NYPD.
The exorcists who protested are being held on initial charges of first-degree double parking, but most escaped, apparently by blending in to a passing Gay Pride parade.
Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff said "The NSA has been bugging confessionals for years, so we knew an attack was planned, but I still can't believe they actually tried to destroy our holiest financial center. Is nothing sacred anymore? Well,now there will be Hell to pay."
Investor confidence soared on news of the failed raid, with the Dow up 666 points at the close.
Related articles:
Blackwater Surrounds Vatican
CIA Links Mother Teresa to AlQaeda
Pope Resigns "To Spend More Time With the Wife and Kids"
All Catholics Being Ordered to Pack for Gitmo
Bush Accuses Vatican of Nucular Ambitions--Cites "Missal" Program
Rev. Pat Robertson to Address U.N.--Claims to Have Evidence That Vatican Attempted to Purchase "Yellow Cake" Communion Wafers From Niger
Navy Task Force on Maneuvers off Italian Coast
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Oh, boys, please take heart. I can see that if the priests will make housecalls for exorcisms, this may just be the ticket to help "hysterical" women! Heck, I can even supply my own virgin olive oil! I have had several disturbing urges that could use a thorough exercising. And I have a ready supply of holy candles that can help set the proper mood so he can do his holy work. Just let me know when to expect his visit!
I am reminded of the awesome power of the church to drive out evil and fight for good -- remember the canon of the mass!
Yours in grease, oops, I mean grace.
Frogsoop: The house call idea is intriguing, but I don't know any active priests who will make house calls except to altar boys.
However, I am a retired priest myself, with no small talent for calming "hysterical" women.Although I have only called on convents to treat this particular problem, I still have fond memories of my days at the inseminary, when I supplemented my meager stipend by doing door-to-door gynecology.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm up for it, and if your need is great, I will come.The standard tools of exorcism aren't needed here. You already have the virgin olive oil (extra virgin is best), so I'll only need to bring Reddi-Whip and a cherry (I'm guessing you don't have one).
This particular ritual is more "hands on" that most, and the prayers are self-generating. I promise that you will be shouting "OH GOD!" repeatedly, and at that time you will feel the rapture and be transported to heights of ecstasy that even angels dare not reach. You will then sleep for 24 hours and awake blissfully calm and refreshed.
This ritual does come at a cost for me, as I will be defrocked minutes after I arrive, but it's my cross to bare.
Just give me your address, and I'll be there in 15 minutes.
Oh, and if you are wondering about my motives, be assured that for me it will be a religious experience well worth my sacrifice.
God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Omigawd!
I can't stand it any longer.
Exorcise me.
And don't forget to bring an entire bottle of marichino cherries, chocolate flavored whipped cream and plenty of bananas to top off the extra, extra avirgional olive oyl.
Yes! Yes! Omigod, Yes!
Love,
Meg
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